All Systems Are Go!

We have chosen an agency! It was actually the largest process of elimination we have ever embarked upon: 71 agencies across 7 countries. We were able to narrow down quite a bit based on basic info available online. We contacted 10 agencies and heard back from 8. The agencies serving Latin American countries dropped off our list mostly because the wait times were still too long for us. Several of the agencies serving Asia just didn't pan out for a variety of logistical reasons. All that left us with one: Holt International - South Korea, which happens to be the first and largest agency serving South Korea since the 70s. They average ~100 placements per year - massive compared to the domestic agency we worked with before that averaged 4-5/yr. Anyway, it is roughly a two year program and right now the long pole in the tent is us! We submitted our application online last week and have been furiously filling out forms since then. This is the packet we got in the mail:

We've started a to-do list off all the things that need to be done or gathered, etc. It feels a bit like a Zelda quest at times:

• Sign & Notarize IASA (Holt's International Adoption Services Agreement)
• Photos of family & house
• Taxes Records
• Schedule of Fees Form
• Transmittal Memo
• Family Service Plan
• Birth Parent Openness Form
• Psychological Evaluation
• Home Study Application
• Autobiographies
• Marriage Data Sheets
• Parenting Data Sheets
• Medical History & Examinations
• Medical Statement on Child in Adoptive Applicant’s Home
• Budget Sheet
• Verification of Income
• 4 Reference Letters
• Photo/Media Release
• Criminal History
• Firearms Safety Verification
• International Adoption Contract/Financial Agreement for Korea
• Forms Receipt Acknowledgement
• Home Study
• I800A Form

I'm sure more things will come up as we go along. While it seems overwhelming to read, knowing that we've done it all before gives us confidence. The thing we are most anxious about is traveling to and adopting from a country that is literally on the other side of the world from where we had originally planned on going. I wonder if Rosetta Stone will let us trade in our Spanish CDs? Oh well. 
Nevertheless, we are very excited about this new adventure. We will be updating the Costs/Fees page shortly to include a breakdown of the Korea program. In the meantime, please pray for energy and determination. Thanks!

Back in the Saddle!

Well, it has been much longer than anticipated, but we are finally starting up the adoption effort again! Actually about a year late, since our 2013 Christmas letter said we'd be starting back up in early 2014. If you didn't see our most recent Christmas letter, 2014 was a year of changes for us. We both had side jobs, John got a new primary job, we sold our house, and we moved. All those changes left us with little time. Also our precious little girl just started sleeping through the night consistently about a month ago, so we are slowly getting our energy back for extracurricular activities.

That brings us to now, and in addition to starting the adoption back up, we are also announcing that we've turned our sights to international adoption! After going on mission to South America, we've had a heart for orphans abroad. It was always our plan for child #2 to be from another country, so we are just picking up where we left off.

If you hadn't guessed, we are quite interested in children from Latin American countries. We've done a fair amount of preliminary research on the agencies & programs that serve these countries. http://www.rainbowkids.com/ is a great resource for finding up-to-date information on adoption programs around the world. A general trend that we've noticed with the Latin American programs is the children tend to be older (4+). Because we want our biological child to be the oldest in the home (and is also required universally), we would have to probably wait another couple years before even submitting an application. Another common requirement is that the final visit to the country be many weeks long, like 8 weeks on average! This is not impossible to do but very challenging on many levels. Nevertheless, we have identified a handful of agencies serving Ecuador, Panama, and Honduras with younger children and shorter travel requirements.

We are also considering the Far East. The programs are very similar in each country, and they all have shorter stays than the Latin American countries. It is also more likely that we'd be able to be matched with a toddler. So far we have found prospective agencies serving South Korea, China, and Taiwan.

So the next steps for us are to start contacting the agencies for basic info. We will post again after narrowing down the selection. Please pray that God would direct and guide our search to find the next little one!

Surprise!

God has a funny way of changing our best laid plans and then sometimes changing them again.  We thought we had figured out how our family would be built, but the Lord has surprised us yet again.  On New Years Eve, we learned God had preformed a miracle: we are expecting!  Not only will we get to start our family this year, but all three of us will be sharing a cake as baby is due in August.

Since you are reading this on our blog, you are probably wondering, like others, "Are you guys still adopting?"  Absolutely we are!  We talked with our agency and they said we need to wait 6 months after the birth before we can resume the process.  We appreciate everyone's love, support and prayers on our journey!  This is still an on-going process, as it won't be long before we are a waiting family again.

This blog will be updated for adoption purposes only, but we will be posting pregnancy updates on our Facebook group (The JaM Expansion Project).

To God be the glory.
~JaM

Quarterly Adoption Training - February 2013 Edition

We had our second training session a few weeks ago.  We learned about medications that can and cannot be given to our child when we are in the 6 month "waiting" period before finalization.  We will also be having to document every medication given and every dosage given.  It does seem a little overwhelming, but I understand the reasoning behind it.

They also showed us a video presentation from some prenatal exposure experts.  These researchers have been studying the prenatal exposure effects of drugs, alcohol, vaccines, etc.  It was a very interesting presentation and surprisingly, not as scary as I thought it would be.  Obviously, smoking, drugs, and alcohol are not good for an unborn baby, but I was surprised at how low the percentages were of the birth defects or mental retardation.  Anyways, they have a whole website of information if you would like to see.

We were also given a "list" of the expectant mothers they are currently working with.  Last time, there were 7 mothers and 11 couples.  This time, there were 5 mothers and 9 couples.  Doing the math (and because she told us), they placed two babies in December!!  How awesome is that!?!  I believe it will be awhile until our baby comes home, but it is always good news that there are placements happening and families forming!

Not much else going on right now besides waiting.  We have been wanting to get a dresser for the nursery, but any decent ones are $500-$600.  So I will continue searching craigslist in hopes of finding a used one for closer to half that! 

Thank you again for your support and prayers through this journey.  Please also being praying for our friends, the Kings & Hallocks as they have been told their wait will be another 3-6 months longer.  I know how hard the waiting is; to be so close to the end you can taste it and then be told it will be even longer would be a hard thing for me to take.  I know God has a plan in all our situations; we just have to keep the faith and rely on Him.

Puzzle Progress!

Just wanted to show you some of our puzzle progress!

The hardest part is not only finding where the pieces go, but trying to keep the groups together.  (I bet once we get into the actual elephants themselves, it will be even harder...)  We have two more families to put together as of now and hopefully will have those done by the weekend!  So very blessed by those who love and support us on this journey!  :)

To Whom It May Concern

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take

I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do

Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
 ...

 I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do

I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh how I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to

Dear who ever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

 ~ The Civil Wars

The Gift

Thought this story was too beautiful not to share! Praying that our story will look something like this!!

Thanksgiving = Thankfulness

Wow, it has been close to 2 months since we last posted. I will try to get better at it...

I have seen a few people make November (the month of Thanksgiving) their month of thankfulness and want to join the bandwagon. I know for me, and probably a lot of people, we get so wrapped up in our situation and our circumstances, that we forget to slow down and reflect on what we are thankful for. So, each day this month, I am going to talk about something I am thankful for.

Since today is the 1st of November, I thought I would talk about what is first in my life that I am thankful for - Jesus. Now, to some that may just seem like the typical Christians' Sunday School answer, but it is true. I have struggled and cried and been depressed and He has helped me through it all!!  I don't know where I would be without His constant love and strength to get me through it.  Thank you Jesus for all you have done, all you are doing, and all you will do through me and the world!!



The 1st of November is also the start of National Adoption Month.  (I knew I could tie this in).  As a Christian, we know that God the Father has adopted us all into His family - another thing we should be thankful for!  This Sunday - being the first Sunday of National Adoption Month - is Orphan Sunday.  This is a time to look at the orphan situation around the world, around our country and around the block.  Now not everyone is called to adopt, but as Christians, we are all called to care for the least of these (including orphans).  So, if you don't feel the calling to adopt, you can still care for those down the street or across the earth.  You can do this by supporting (emotionally or financially) another family who is adopting or has adopted.  Most families have some sort of fundraiser as the cost of adopting is fairly high.  If you need some ideas, just let me know, but here are two families close to use who are both adopting from the Congo.  Pray about it, talk it over with loved ones, and think about supporting them.

The Kings
They are in the process of adopting a 2 year old boy (Jude).  They have a t-shirt fundraiser (the link) or Jacki is sewing like crazy with cute things you can buy to also support them.

The Hallocks
They are in the process of adopting a 4-5 year old girl (Harper Judith).  They also have a t-shirt fundraiser.

Hey Jude!

Watch this video. Share the video EVERYWHERE. Give $1 or 2. Help the Kings bring home their son Jude from the Congo through this website! Fundraiser ends this Sunday (9/9) at midnight.

(Double click in the frame for full screen)

Officially a "Waiting Family"

Apparently, something I (Michelle) said or did made a lot of people think we have been matched and are very close to baby coming home. Despite how much I would love for that to be the case, it is not true. We have officially finished the application part and are currently an official "Waiting Family" with our agency! What that means is we are in the mix of adoptive families that the birth parents could choose - so technically we could be picked today or any day after. However, the likelihood of sometime soon is quite small at this point.


Despite the fact that we have been essentially waiting for about 18 months, this is the true waiting period. This time is filled with anxious feelings every time the phone rings and not much updates until "the call" is made. The key for the Waiting Family is to "wait well" - keep yourselves busy, get the nursery ready, etc... Luckily for us, we painted our nursery a nice neutral green before we even moved in! (Someone thinking ahead??) Here is the "360 degree" view of the room!

My lovely paintings that don't quite match but we have no other place for them, haha! 

 Window and quilt view. 

This wall is where the crib will go. 

More pictures to come as we also have bought a "cubby" for the room and soon to have the assembled crib!


Thank you all for the encouragement - they are truly a God send! Also, thank you to all our sponsors - we have passed the 20% point! :) Here is the current puzzle:

Much love & God bless!
~m~

With A Little Help From My Friends

Feeling a little more prepared (and maybe less at the same time) now that my friend Shirin donated some baby stuff to our future one!  The picture shows just some of what she donated as her precious boy is still using some things.  (And all of it would have been too much to fit in my car!) 

I am so amazed by friends who encourage us through this journey in so many different ways - random phone calls/emails, donations, cards, etc...  It is a strange process that is long (most of the time just waiting with no news/excitement).  Those waiting times can be tough, especially if it is longer than your "timetable". 

I know God has picked out our precious one already and am so thankful He has that under control!  I am also thankful for the little encouragements and friends He has put in my life to help this journey!

~m~

Last 2 Hoops

We got an email earlier this week about another thing they need in order for the homestudy to be complete & approved. (In other words, it is approved except for that). Got that squared away and sent in Friday. Then we received an email Friday evening that they need pictures of the outdoor play areas. (In other words, the front and back yard). Luckily, we have a nice front yard one as we included it in our profile book.  However, the back yard will be a little more difficult.  We don't have any saved except the ones previous owner put online.  Good, right?  Well, they had a trampoline which is not allowed for adoptive parents...  So just take one now, right?  That would be fine, except John is getting the fall garden ready, so things are in disarray right now.  And our neighbor's fence blew down about 2 months ago, and they have yet to fix it...  Such an easy little thing that is holding us back from being approved (already 2-4 weeks later than we were told). 

I guess we better get used to this "hurry up and wait" issue, because I think that is what our lives will be like until kid comes home! 

Please pray we can get a good enough picture of the backyard and finally be approved.  What a great retirement gift that would be if God granted us that next week! 

If you didn't see my facebook post about the adoption credit, please follow this link.  As of right now, there are only 18 co-sponsors - none of which are from Texas.  I know you are all pretty busy, but I ask you to take 5-10 minutes to call your Senators and Representatives and ask for their support.  This would be a HUGE way to get involved with adoption even if you aren't called to adopt!  Please join me in advocating for families in the adoption community!!

Hope you had a good week and thank you for your love and support!!

God Bless!
~m~

 

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Haven't written a post in a while because we have both been busy!  Summer school is 10 hours a day, so I am pooped by the time I come home.  (Only 2 more to go!!)

We are still waiting on our homestudy to be approved.  She (our caseworker) gave us a timeframe of 4-6 weeks and today marks week #7.  We were told on Friday that the head honcho will be getting the study and reviewing.  *Fingers crossed!* 

Our profile book is printed and in our dining room and our expectant mother letter's rough draft is done.  After Thursday, it should be 100% ready!!

A lady I met through RESOLVE (an infertility support group) posted this article on facebook and I really liked it!  Hope you do too!

Hopefully you will be hearing from us shortly about our approved homestudy.  Then we send in our profile book & letter and officially wait!!  :)

Home Study - Check!

God was really watching over us during our homestudy - no rain!  Thank You Jesus!  It was a sunny, dry day.  :) Thank you to all those that prayed for sunshine.

The homestudy itself was not as bad as we thought.  Our caseworker came in at lunchtime, so we took her to our favorite burger joint - Mooyah! 

Lunch was followed by a 4-hour interrogation.  We had to rack our brains on things like where we have lived in the past 10 years, the name and address of the hospital we were born as well as the nearest hospital (and how far away it is.)  There were some very basic questions like physical description and occupation, to personal questions about our personalities and general outlook on life.  Luckily she had a sense of humor, which made it seem less intrusive. 

Next she toured the house to review the things on the health and safety precaution checklist. That part only took ~5 minutes, which was slightly disappointing after doing all that hard work. At least we didn't scrub the grout like last time (for the health inspector). 

Now we wait another 4-6 weeks for our caseworker to finish the 20+ page report on us which will go to the board to be reviewed and (hopefully) approved.  During that time, we will be writing our "Dear Expectant Mother" letter and printing our profile book.  Once we are approved and have sent those in, we are officially a "Waiting Family"!!! 

Prayer Requests

This Tuesday we have our home study. They say it is not as bad as you think, but of course I worry. We looked over some of the potential questions and have some good answers lined up.

We also spent the weekend getting the house ready for a guest - cleaning, mowing, picking up, etc. We need Monday and Tuesday to be sunny, or at least not heavy rain, days. I decided to go ahead and look at the forecast. This is what I see:


I know God has a plan, but I am praying for light rain, if any, those days. Our yard can not have standing water in it when she comes to do our home study, so the thunderstorms are a little scary right now.

So I am asking you to pray for:
* wisdom to say the right things and not always our first (usually sarcastic) response
* light or no rain Monday and Tuesday - or maybe the storm can just go around our neighborhood

Thank you to all of you who have been praying and supporting us! This is the last big step before we officially become "waiting"! I know that will have it's own adventures once we get there! We almost have our bio book completely done - here is a sneak peek!

~M~

Waiting

We went to the Adoption: Myths & Realities last night and had a great time!  Learned a lot about adoption and the Tapestry Ministry.  I have been looking at their website all day (shhh, don't tell my boss) and came across this that I absolutely love:

From Romans 8 (The Message): “That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.  Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”

God is good, all the time!  All the time, God is good!  :)

~M~

We Got a Date!

We heard back from our social worker and we have been cleared for a home study!  The date is June 12th - that is exactly 3 weeks away.  Luckily, we have most of the stuff done getting ready for those inspections.  It is kind of nice having a small to-do list for once!  :)

Home Study – June 12th

• Food is stored appropriately – plastic wrap and foil are not used to seal food containers
• Baby gates are used for stairways and fire place
• An emergency kit - change of clothes
• All medication is locked behind at least one lock, including refrigerated medication

We have been working on our bio book every night since Friday and it is coming along!  We want to have it done at the home study to give to our social worker so she can take it back and start showing us to potential birthmoms!  Most people think of shutterfly.com or snapfish.com, but a good friend recommended mixbook.com and we LOVE IT!  It is fairly user friendly, but it is also not too plain.  Another friend recommended viovio.com, which looks good as well. 

Tonight, my family and us (is that proper grammar?) are going to Adoption: Myths & Realities (free for anyone, no registration required) at Irving Bible Church tonight.  We also have a couple from our church going as they are thinking about adopting!!  It's crazy that not too long ago, we felt very alone in this journey, and now I feel like a lot of my friends are adopting!  I know God knew what He was doing all along, I just needed to trust Him!  He is pretty amazing, huh?  :)

Alright, back to work.  7 more days...  :)
~ M ~

Drug (& TB) Free - The Way To Be!

We both went to the doctor and got the OK to be adoptive parents and passed our TB & Drug Tests!!  (Were you worried??)  :)  On a side note, it grosses me (Michelle) out that they injected dead TB into my arm to see if I had it.  I felt like I was being used as an incubator for some weird science experiment.  (I know, weird thoughts...) 

The next step is the home study, which we are just waiting on our case worker to schedule.  This is the all-day interview/home inspection.  We hope to have our bio book done when she comes so we can give it to her to take back and start showing prospective birth moms!!  I will post the link to it once we are closer to being finished.
 
Fire Inspection – passed (4/26)!

Health Inspection – passed (5/2)!

 

Health Status Forms – TB & Drug Free (5/18)

Home Study – waiting on case worker to schedule

• All mattresses for children have plastic cover/protector (just not going to have a crib yet)
  
• Infant cribs meet proper safety requirements
• Crib bumpers, soft bedding/comforters, stuffed animals and pillows are not used in crib
• Adequate and accessible personal storage space for each child
• Each child has a towel and there is adequate soap/hygiene items available for use
• All food items stored off the floor
• Food is stored appropriately – plastic wrap and foil are not used to seal food containers
• Thermometer temperature in refrigerator is at 37 and freezer is at 0 degrees
• Cleaning supplies are stored separately from food and out of the reach of children – if stored anywhere else, they must be behind a lock
• Baby gates are used for stairways and fire place
• All windows have screens
• Tobacco products are used outside
• An emergency kit (water, change of clothes, battery powered radio, sanitary wipes, blanket and non-perishable food) is readily accessible, and includes at least 2 working flashlights with batteries
• At least one fire extinguisher on each level of the home
• Fire inspection and environmental inspection are posted
• All medication is locked behind at least one lock, including refrigerated medication
• All psychotropic medications are locked behind two locks
• All outdoor areas appear safe and clean
• Pool area is enclosed by a 4’ locked fence – at least 2 life-saving devices are accessible
• Vehicles used for transporting children are in good repair
• All child safety car seats meet requirements and are installed safely
• Tools and lawn equipment kept out of reach of children or in locked sheds
• Thermometers in refrigerator and freezer
• No trampolines

We Passed 'Em All!

Sorry it has been awhile on the updates, getting our house ready for inspection was a lot more work than we thought it would be.  However, it was worth it because we passed both inspections with flying colors!!!  WHOOP!  Now if only we could keep it that clean...  It was stressful for us as we had some long nights.  Oddly enough, when we open a drawer/cupboard and it snaps back closed because of the child locks, we just bust out in laughter.  That may be a sign of being crazy, but I think we are taking all these hoops with a grain of salt. 

Anywho, here is what we have left before we officially become a "waiting family":

Fire Inspection – passed (4/26)!

Health Inspection – passed (5/2)!

 

Health Status Forms – filled out by doctor, not yet scheduled

• Medical history
• Physical
• Drug screen
• TB test
• Hepatitis B immunization

Home Study – schedule after health status forms are done

• All mattresses for children have plastic cover/protector
• Infant cribs meet proper safety requirements
• Crib bumpers, soft bedding/comforters, stuffed animals and pillows are not used in crib
• Adequate and accessible personal storage space for each child
• Each child has a towel and there is adequate soap/hygiene items available for use
• All food items stored off the floor
• Food is stored appropriately – plastic wrap and foil are not used to seal food containers
• Thermometer temperature in refrigerator is at 37 and freezer is at 0 degrees
• Cleaning supplies are stored separately from food and out of the reach of children – if stored anywhere else, they must be behind a lock
• Baby gates are used for stairways and fire place
• All windows have screens
• Tobacco products are used outside
• An emergency kit (water, change of clothes, battery powered radio, sanitary wipes, blanket and non-perishable food) is readily accessible, and includes at least 2 working flashlights with batteries
• At least one fire extinguisher on each level of the home
• Fire inspection and environmental inspection are posted
• All medication is locked behind at least one lock, including refrigerated medication
• All psychotropic medications are locked behind two locks
• All outdoor areas appear safe and clean
• Pool area is enclosed by a 4’ locked fence – at least 2 life-saving devices are accessible
• Vehicles used for transporting children are in good repair
• All child safety car seats meet requirements and are installed safely
• Tools and lawn equipment kept out of reach of children or in locked sheds
• Thermometers in refrigerator and freezer
• No trampolines

Getting closer - I think  can see the light!  Please keep us in your prayers, as we try to finish up the last few hoops, our calendars are filling up and slowing up down.  We need to make sure we keep our priorities straight!

Here is a sneak peek at our photo book so far: 
(only have the first few pages done, but will be working on it as summer nears!)

http://www.mixbook.com/photo-books/family/john-michelle-jackson-7384084

Don't Ignore Infertility

This week (April 22 - 28) is National Infertility Awareness Week.  Since this disease has personally affected us, I thought it would be good to advocate awareness and education.  I have noticed since we found out, and in turn told friends and family, relationships have been... different.  I think for people not affected by infertility, they don't know what to say - I get that.  Or when they do find something to say, they haven't quite thought it through and can hurt the feelings of their friends and family - a reason why I believe many couples keep mum about it.  I know for me personally, it is not something I want to have tattooed to my forehead, but I also don't want it to become something I am shameful of.  Yes, this disease sucks, but I would like to educate everyone about it so those who have it can find treatments or peace and those who don't can be a comfort to their friends and family affected.

RESOLVE (the National Infertility Association) has a lot of good information out there, which is where I got the following from.  I will include what I believe is important, but also reference the website if you want more information.

Fast Facts About Infertility

Infertility is a disease that results in the abnormal functioning of the male or female reproductive system.  Both the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), World Health Organization (WHO) and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recognize infertility as a disease.   

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth.    

Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age, or 1 in 8 couples. (2002 National Survey of Family Growth)    

Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained.  (http://www.asrm.org/)    

Approximately 44% of women with infertility have sought medical assistance. Of those, approximately 65% give birth. (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997)

Infertility Etiquette

Don't Tell Them to Relax 
Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem - relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility. Besides, telling someone to relax (in just about any situation) just adds on the pressure and makes relaxation almost impossible! 

Don't Minimize the Problem
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards.In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Losing a job?  

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
How incredibly insensitive to imply that someone would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize them.  Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting.  Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature. 

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
People ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"  It is truly a personal decision between husband, wife and nobody else. 

Don't Be Crude
It is sad that this paragraph even needs to be included, but some of you need to hear this - Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "You can have my little devil" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends (and we might take you up on it!)    

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
I understand that when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.  Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you.
Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself.  The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents.  If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities.  They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like.  Like every other couple, we have our fantasies - they are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have so let us have them.  You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner.  The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.  Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows all about your journey.  Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents.  However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision.  Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose.  Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process.  My husband and I have noticed that adoption agencies don't ask "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" but rather "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?"  Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby.

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We just got through the "do not say/do" - so, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain.  It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas:

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.  Send them cards.  Let them cry on your shoulder.  Let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one.  Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.  

Remember Them on Mother's Day
Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it - There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.  Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever - at some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that biological baby.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision.  Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice.

What You Can Do
Don’t ignore opportunities to talk about infertility.   Do you blog? Tweet? Teach a health class? Have a book group? Take advantage of opportunities in your daily life to share information about or bring attention to the cause of infertility.
Don’t ignore legislation affecting infertility patients.  Several pending and existing laws encroach upon the rights of the infertile to freely build their families. Help change policy and protect your rights by writing to your representative.
Don’t ignore infertility support available.  Infertility is a lonely road, but no one has to travel it alone. Join an online infertility forum or local support group to find a warm, welcoming environment.
Don’t ignore people struggling with infertility.  Reach out to friends or family members struggling with infertility. Ask how you can best support them in their journey. 
Don’t ignore the impact of making a donation. Every cent donated donated helps bring needed programs and services to women and men with infertility. Sign up for the Walk of Hope or create your own fundraising event in your location.
Don’t ignore family building alternatives.  You can build your family through many paths. During this week, open your mind to options that you had not previously considered.
Don’t ignore your own strength. If you’re engaged in the fight against infertility, take a moment to recognize your courage and determination, as well as that of the sisters and brothers fighting alongside you.