This week (April 22 - 28) is National Infertility Awareness Week. Since this disease has personally affected us, I thought it would be good to advocate awareness and education. I have noticed since we found out, and in turn told friends and family, relationships have been... different. I think for people not affected by infertility, they don't know what to say - I get that. Or when they do find something to say, they haven't quite thought it through and can hurt the feelings of their friends and family - a reason why I believe many couples keep mum about it. I know for me personally, it is not something I want to have tattooed to my forehead, but I also don't want it to become something I am shameful of. Yes, this disease sucks, but I would like to educate everyone about it so those who have it can find treatments or peace and those who don't can be a comfort to their friends and family affected.
RESOLVE (the National Infertility Association) has a lot of good information out there, which is where I got the following from. I will include what I believe is important, but also reference the website if you want more information.
Infertility is a disease that results in the abnormal functioning
of the male or female reproductive system. Both the American Society
for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), World Health Organization (WHO) and
the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recognize
infertility as a disease.
Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one
year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age
35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth.
Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. This figure
represents 12% of women of childbearing age, or 1 in 8 couples. (2002
National Survey of Family Growth)
Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female
partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is
caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is
unexplained. (http://www.asrm.org/)
Approximately 44% of women with infertility have sought medical
assistance. Of those, approximately 65%
give birth. (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997)
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem - relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility. Besides, telling someone to relax (in just about any situation) just adds on the pressure and makes relaxation almost impossible!
Don't Minimize the Problem
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . .
etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile
people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell
somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to
buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards.In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not
provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things
that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is
the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a
divorce? Watching a loved one die? Losing a job?
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
How incredibly insensitive to imply that someone would be such a bad mother
that God felt the need to divinely sterilize them. Even if you
aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not
comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from
God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
People ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual
tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another
store?" It is truly a personal decision between husband, wife and nobody else.
Don't Be Crude
It is sad that this paragraph even needs to be included, but some of
you need to hear this - Don't make crude jokes about your friend's
vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or
"You can have my little devil" are not
funny, and they only irritate your friends (and we might take you up on it!)
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
I
understand that when you are pregnant, your hormones
are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as
queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent
about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your
infertile friend in the position of comforting you. Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the
discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby
growing inside of you.
Stay
sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway
that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. The fact that she is
willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you
speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities
involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents.
If anything, people who have been
trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those
responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as
their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples
have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like.
Like every other couple, we have our fantasies - they are some
of the few parent-to-be perks that we have so let us have them. You can
give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious
manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only
trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved
ones. Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else,
it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank
teller knows all about your journey. Respect your friend's privacy,
and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the
couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to
make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a
"stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with
Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the
importance of the grieving process. My husband and I have noticed that adoption agencies don't ask "Why
do you want to adopt a baby?" but rather "Have you
grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker
emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to
start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and
expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very
sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that
they can love an adopted baby.
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We just got through the "do not say/do" - so, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am
giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase
their pain. It isn't your job to
erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load.
Here are a few ideas:
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you
care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. Let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same
support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing
they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets
them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
Mother's Day is an incredibly painful
time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it - There are ads on
the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating
motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother
and mother-in-law. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them
a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate
knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever - at some point,
they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves
even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must
still first grieve the loss of that biological baby.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support
their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage
them from adopting, if that is their choice.
What You Can DoDon’t ignore opportunities to talk about infertility.
Do you blog?
Tweet? Teach a health class? Have a book group? Take advantage of
opportunities in your daily life to share information about or bring
attention to the cause of infertility.
Don’t ignore legislation affecting infertility patients.
Several pending and existing laws encroach upon the rights of the
infertile to freely build their families. Help change policy and protect
your rights by
writing to your representative.
Don’t ignore infertility support available. Infertility is a lonely road, but no one has to travel it alone. Join an
online infertility forum or local support group to find a warm, welcoming environment.
Don’t ignore people struggling with infertility.
Reach out to friends or family members struggling with infertility. Ask how you can best support them in their journey.
Don’t ignore the impact of making a donation. Every
cent donated donated helps bring needed programs and services to women and men with infertility. Sign up for the Walk of Hope or create your own fundraising event in your location.
Don’t ignore family building alternatives.
You can build your family through many paths. During this week, open your mind to options that you had not previously considered.
Don’t ignore your own strength. If you’re engaged
in the fight against infertility, take a moment to recognize your
courage and determination, as well as that of the sisters and brothers
fighting alongside you.
